You Are Not Alone
Our purpose is to help people of all ages navigate life. As a mother and son team, Debbie and Greg come together to talk about the realities and struggles all of us face in today’s world. They cover a wide array of topics from mental health to current events to teaching on topics that help us do life. As Christians, they know there is one thing that brings peace, hope, and encouragement to anything life throws at us, and that is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Come along on the ride to learn what this means and how to get it. Your heart and life will be changed forever!
You Are Not Alone
Boosting Self-Esteem: Overcoming Negative Thoughts, Childhood Trauma, and Social Media Influences
Do you ever find yourself constantly comparing your life to others and feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts? Join Greg and me as we take a deep dive into the world of self-esteem, discussing its impact on our lives and providing actionable steps to overcome these challenges. From childhood trauma to the dangers of social media, this episode is packed with valuable insights and advice that will help you develop a healthier mindset and build self-confidence.
We first explore the connections between low self-esteem and childhood experiences, discussing the importance of having supportive parents or guardians to help us navigate these formative years. Then, we address the ever-present influence of social media and cyberbullying on young people's self-worth, emphasizing the need for constructive conversations that foster kindness and respect.
Finally, we share practical tips for improving your self-esteem, such as turning negative self-talk into positive thinking, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing assertiveness in your daily life. Remember, small, consistent efforts can lead to significant changes, ultimately bringing you more happiness and fulfillment. So don't wait any longer - hit subscribe, share this episode with your friends, and join us next week for another eye-opening discussion!
Hello and welcome to another episode of the You Are Not Alone podcast. I'm your co-host, debbie Gold, and I'm here with my co-host and son, greg, and we're so glad that you're here. Each week on the show we will talk about issues that matter most to you, and it is our wish that you will find hope, encouragement and a little bit of Jesus in every show. Again, we're so glad that you're here and thanks for listening. Hey there, welcome to our show today. We're really excited about the show. We're gonna be talking about self-esteem and how that can affect our lives, maybe some of the dangers or the implications of it, how we can improve our self-esteem, if it needs improvement, what it means and maybe what some of the signs are.
Speaker 2:There, you go Awesome.
Speaker 1:So what does self-esteem mean?
Speaker 2:I think, it's like kind of your perception of like somebody, i guess, like how you view yourself compared to others. I guess I'd say in a certain way, because when I used to play basketball, you know, i'd go down to the end of the street every day shirtless and sweat my little butt off and just go shoot for hours and just practice, because I saw, like Steph Curry and LeBron James and those basketball stars you know playing every day and stuff and I will looked up to them and I really wanted to, you know, practice their moves and copy them and just you know kind of you know role model myself after them so.
Speaker 1:I mean because so you looked up to them. Yeah, really.
Speaker 2:I looked up to them a lot and I value them a lot right.
Speaker 1:I think that's a, that's a. Really it's important to make a distinction there. You looked up to them but you didn't compare yourself to them, yeah, yeah so. So yeah, sure, it's good to use someone for inspiration and to motivate you and do all that, but you don't want to compare yourself, because that puts you down yeah, exactly, you look like a mouse compared to like a lion or something like that right, so we don't want to be doing that to ourselves yeah, because it can be harsh you have to look at that positively and say one day I want to be like that person exactly instead of you know, like I said, comparing, i'm not that person.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so this I wish I could be that person you know so, but with the hard work and determination, you can do anything that you want to do. Yeah, okay, so yeah, and I think what I think about self-esteem I used to work with clients on this, you know. But yeah, they they judge themselves badly and they they're really hard on themselves, overly hard on themselves some people are like that too, yeah mm-hmm and the you know they.
Speaker 1:I think what that, what that happens, what where that leads is we tend to have like a negative perception perception of the world it beats you down yes, it beats you down, and then I know you can start going down that path of Well, if I go into work today, i just know this is gonna happen, because this is what's happened in the past.
Speaker 2:Those kind of things You lose confidence and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you lose confidence, you lose, that's the word I'm looking for. Confidence, you start cycling down, yeah you lose your socialization skills stuff like that, you get anxious. I think, yeah, extremely too. That plays into that. That's a very big part of it.
Speaker 2:That's most of what it is probably just your anxiety telling you. You know, am I good enough? or something like that.
Speaker 1:Am I good enough or I know this is gonna happen. You're dreading, you're thinking the worst of the world and what your situation is gonna be like. It's that negative thinking that can be destructive, very destructive.
Speaker 2:It can just tear you up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so gotta stay away from that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:But you know, i think that what I've experienced or seen in clients, I think that this often is a result of some kind of childhood trauma, that where we end up with low self-esteem.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Or maybe it's at home, maybe it's at school, i think. For me, you know, when I was what I think I was going into seventh grade and I had a condition called alopecia areata, where I would get bald spots on my head and I had longer hair, so I could, you know, cover it up in a ponytail, but I'd always had to wear my hair in a ponytail And they continued to get worse and worse, where I couldn't really cover it.
Speaker 2:Your hair scars. Can you wear scars?
Speaker 1:Yeah, i couldn't cover it anymore by putting my hair a certain way. I would have to wear like I wore those bandana scars every day, and I was always anxious about going to school because I was fearful that someone was going to try to pull it down and they would discover what the real That's terrible. Yeah you know, i was just, i was living in fear, i was hypervigilant I was hypervigilant, but there were kids that tried to do that. So because, based on that experience, i just thought that was going to happen.
Speaker 1:all the time You were just on high alert and freaked out, or people just talking about me behind my back. You know what's going on with her. Does she have cancer?
Speaker 2:Yeah, all the time. You know those kind of things. I know Kids are ruthless, yeah, and I didn't have a lot of parent support.
Speaker 1:Like I couldn't go to my mom, i don't know what to do about this Or can we? you know how can you help me?
Speaker 2:So that must have been tough, yeah. So I think, as a result, you turned to Cindy probably. Yeah, my best friend, yeah.
Speaker 1:She was a big support for me But as a result I ended up having low self-esteem going into my adulthood And eventually I was able to overcome that with my own successes and things, my life changing And me just being successful at my jobs or different things, and I was able to build that up and put that behind me. But yeah, so that's just another example. I think kids that get bullied could end up having low self-esteem. So being at home and you have parents that aren't real supportive or you're never going to be any good those kind of messages that are really negative.
Speaker 2:Or if it's coming from a parent too, that can just break it down a lot more too. It's like hearing your dad say you're not going to be this, you're never going to make it to the league or something like that, That can just break you down.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, it could be really tough.
Speaker 2:And then you lose confidence in yourself too, because you hear it from your dad. You're like, oh my gosh, you have nobody to turn to.
Speaker 1:At most, Yeah, yeah, i mean, those are your people to turn to typically In times of need and typically, i think, you said So anyway, i just wanted to give a little background on that might help people say well, maybe I do need to do a little check on my self-esteem. You know I did go through some tough times. How am I doing here today? I think that if we don't eventually deal with our self-esteem, i think that we can have an impact or impair our academic or work success, i think that's life overall.
Speaker 1:Sure life overall, i know you could turn to alcohol and drugs to ease the pain.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, A lot of people do that too.
Speaker 1:And it's called self-medicating.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's not good.
Speaker 1:It can cause problems with your friendships and relationships if you have low self-esteem, and it can also create anxiety and stress and loneliness and it can even lead to depression.
Speaker 2:It just can cause difficulties.
Speaker 1:it sounds like Yeah it's really important to get a handle on it and find ways to check in with it and build it. Build it? yes, for sure, Which is why we decided this is going to be a really important topic to talk about.
Speaker 2:Because a lot of people, i mean society, is so hard today. The world is so hard. You know, You post one wrong thing on social media, you're getting attacked. You use the wrong words, you're getting attacked. And people can say things online too. That can just break you down.
Speaker 2:They can say the most hurtful things ever, because they're behind a screen, so there's no repercussions or anything like that, so they just beat each other down, and then that can have a big impact on self-esteem as well, especially with teens and younger kids too, because they don't know who this person is and they just hear oh, you're stupid. Da, da, da, da da. A younger brain is going to be like oh, it's not going to take it well, it can be very hurtful.
Speaker 1:Well, and I think the thing with social media is, a lot of times parents don't even know what their kids are getting into.
Speaker 2:They don't.
Speaker 1:And then all of a sudden you know the kids don't really feel they can go to their parents because they've been doing something that maybe they shouldn't be doing and it just kind of snowballs.
Speaker 2:I saw a video on Instagram yesterday of like a bunch of people commenting on this girl. She had a TikTok She was, i swear to you, probably six or seven years old with a phone, a massive phone. She was doing like dancing videos and the comments were all like put your phone away, wear your parents, stuff like that. And then she responded like I can't wait, and she could barely speak English, like she wasn't even like developed yet. Basically, oh my, gosh Yeah.
Speaker 2:So like it's so weird how parents aren't in the situation and a lot of parents don't know what's going on with their kids, and you know their phones and social media. So and I remember you know I got. When did I get my first phone? 14, 15, something like that. Yeah, i don't know I don't remember It was 14. But like, yeah, kids are getting phones at much younger ages too. You know, if you're younger, you know you get cyber bullied. that can really mess you up. So it's a dangerous slope I think so.
Speaker 1:Slippery, slippery slope.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there you go.
Speaker 1:The government, the federal government, is trying to put bans on some of the apps that kids use, like. I'm not sure how they want to do it. You know they, the app, say you can't use this until you're 13, but there's no way to enforce it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, there's no way to. Actually, you can just log in under your mom's account.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Or you just say you know you give it a fake birth, Yeah, You just give a fake name or something.
Speaker 2:So that's really hard thing to combat, so it is a big issue.
Speaker 1:But it's become very. I think it's become aware. You know, politicians are becoming aware, parents, it's becoming more aware in the minds of everyone And eventually they'll, you know, find some kind of way to Solution or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a solution.
Speaker 1:So anyway, so yeah, so there's that now, And so it can just you know, Back and forth, back and forth. And then there's a lot of trauma. Now it's that's another trauma in itself is being on a cell phone and these social media apps and getting cyberbullied. Getting cyberbullied Like that Yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's very real too. You said the wrong thing and you know a bunch of people have been freaked out, especially if it's a consensative topic or something like that too, And then if you, you know, you just check your Instagram, you get, you know, 55 comments that are saying you know, you're stupid. I disagree, Go away. More meme stuff too. It's just going to hurt you.
Speaker 1:Right. It's just going to like beat you down almost So yeah, and it's one thing to say you know I don't disagree, or say I don't agree with that. This is what I think or how I perceive this. You know, you know this, these are my thoughts about that. But just to get mean and you know hurtful, to say those kind of things is just inappropriate. Well, yeah, maybe we need to do a podcast on that.
Speaker 2:Just how do you?
Speaker 1:respond. When you don't agree with someone, you don't beat them up. You just say, you know, have you thought about thinking about it this way?
Speaker 2:because you try to have a logical conversation or you try to see where their side's coming from or something Instead of just screaming at them or saying you know hurtful stuff, right.
Speaker 1:So it's an interesting thing because that is an actual skill that you have to teach people. Like you know, dad and I have worked really hard with you boys on owning up to your piece of a situation when something happens, right, you know. Just a case in point. So Chase, my youngest, greg's younger brother, who's 16 now, he has a Talaria Talaria Electric bike.
Speaker 2:Electric bike.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and he was out of friends in a neighborhood with a friend and he ended up trying to avoid a lady on the sidewalk because they're to be used on sidewalks essentially.
Speaker 2:Right around.
Speaker 1:And he somehow tried to voider and he lost control of the bike and it went down and it caught his right foot underneath it. His right foot was caught underneath it and he ended up fracturing it in three spots. And Father's Day is coming up Sunday, in a few days. And we had made some reservations to go to Topgolf, for the family That's right, i didn't think about that, i know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I said to him the other day I go, well, honey, i can cancel the reservation, or you know, because I don't know you're not going to be able to golf, but you probably don't want to sit there for two hours. He goes. No, he goes. Don't do that, he goes. You know it's not your fault that I did something stupid And you know he took ownership for me. He did that, what he did.
Speaker 2:Well, yeah, i feel bad because he feels like he did something stupid, but he was just trying to avoid a lady and like the wrong thing happened at the wrong time.
Speaker 1:And I don't think he said maybe he didn't say stupid, but he did you know I did something and I hurt myself, so you shouldn't have to suffer because of what I did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the fact it's an ownership of that is pretty big.
Speaker 1:That is huge.
Speaker 2:I know a lot of you know 20 year olds and a lot of people you know in this country that just scream at each other. They don't take ownership for anything anymore.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly, so anyway that's crazy. We can. That's a great podcast to do, where you teach people how to do those kind of things, because they're important. What else should we cover? What do we want to talk about, i think? how do you know if you have the low self-esteem? What about that?
Speaker 2:What do you? think I'd say you judge yourself poorly.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You have. Everything has to be perfect, like everything. Extremely judgmental of yourself.
Speaker 1:Right, go back to the being perfect. You know why. That is because you have control of your situation and you know that everything will fall into place because you don't have to worry about it. You know how we talked about at the beginning. If you know you're going to go to work and you go Oh God, i'm going to get, you know I'm going to mess up today and you get all this negative self-talk and you perceive the world that way. But if you have every, if you're you know you work on perfection, you can control everything in your world and you feel like you're going to be okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, pretty much so, because it's all on your control.
Speaker 1:Right, it's a defense mechanism.
Speaker 2:Exactly so.
Speaker 1:But if you don't trust yourself.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, if you think you're going to make simple mistakes with simple tasks, or like you can't do this or that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you're just afraid to try, because you're like, if I even try this, i'm going to mess it up, because you know me, you know that's like low self-esteem. So, yeah, those are some qualities that are not good, basically.
Speaker 1:Right if you compare yourself to others, and then we talked about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like feeling inferior to others or something like that, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and if you are who you are, you're the way God made you, and he can help you overcome those things that have happened to you in your lifetime.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And those are things that you know. We say that when God gives us hard things or has difficult things happen in our life, it's for us to grow from.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:And you know, this is just a perfect example of that.
Speaker 2:God gives his strongest battles to the hardest soldiers, or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, exactly Yeah, he doesn't give you anymore and you can handle. Yeah. And I think another thing too is when you're you like, you engage in pleasing behaviors to people.
Speaker 2:you know with people, people pleasing behaviors, yeah.
Speaker 1:Because you don't, aren't able to stand up to what your own values are and you kind of go, you kind of cave, and you say well, if I do that, then they'll like me Maybe even like acting fake.
Speaker 2:I guess too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, that would totally fall into this.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because when I see people that are acting fake and I know that's like not how they act. They're just trying to like hang out with this one person I'm like dude, that is so corny, so cheap.
Speaker 1:What are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good example. I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you'll be at like a party or something and you'll see someone's whole demeanor change up in seconds as soon as they get to them.
Speaker 1:Hey how you doing.
Speaker 2:You're like that's not Chris So it's because they're like trying to relate to them or trying to get the vibe or the attitude going, but it's just fake.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And if you're seeing it happen, you can see right through it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's pretty corny.
Speaker 1:It is corny.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay. so let's see, i think not being able to set boundaries, that kind of ties into that whole people policing thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:You've got to be able to set your boundaries, know what your values are, say I'm not okay with that or that doesn't fit with who I am. What are other ways that you set boundaries in life? Like I kind of set one with you today. I was like you wanted to go to see your friend and go to their ranch and we wanted a podcast, or I wanted to get.
Speaker 1:You did to, but get this episode out and you were trying to get me to give you a time and I said I can't do a time until I get home. I cannot think about. I was caught off guard. It was too short notice And I had to set that boundary instead of saying a time and then I wouldn't be. I'd be mad at myself because I gave you a time that I was maybe not okay with.
Speaker 2:Right, and maybe it would have been. You know, let's say you said the time was 11 o'clock, it was already 11, 26. Yeah, you would have been like upset and stuff like that And I would have been upset because I said and you're ready to walk?
Speaker 1:out the door because you made a commitment to your friend.
Speaker 2:I would have been upset too. Yeah, because I'm not ready yet, or something. Yeah.
Speaker 1:So setting boundaries is really healthy, knowing what you need and it's okay to say you know what I'm not sure about that. I need time to think about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i need to think about this, yeah.
Speaker 1:You're good at that. I hear you say that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, some decisions. I want to think about this because you can't just like make incisive decisions, basically because they can be really dangerous. So, depending on what it is, That's true, right. Yeah, depending on what it is, it can either be a big issue or a small issue, or good or bad. So you just have to think about it thoroughly and think about, like, what's best for you and what's best for your future.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, okay And then I think one other thing that came to mind is apologizing so much.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, i hate when people do this. I'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. I'm like what are you doing? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Just that it's annoying, but anyways, that's a good sign that maybe you need.
Speaker 2:One of my buddies in college does that to me.
Speaker 1:Oh, really Yeah.
Speaker 2:If I mess something, or like he messes something up for something, i'm sorry. I'm sorry, i'm like what?
Speaker 1:It's okay. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't be sorry, stop it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i'm like, stop it, dude, i'm like you don't have to apologize for me for nothing, dude, we're cool.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, right, it's like weird. It's okay, yeah, but that's probably some insecurity there, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, but you're being great by saying, hey, dude, don't worry about that. I mean, you're giving him some really positive feedback to help him grow personally, oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Cause you're like dude. You don't have to worry about that. I think so.
Speaker 1:So that's really cool, Greg. I like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it caught me off guard the first time he said that Didn't do anything.
Speaker 1:And then I think too this final thought on this is people that call themselves fat or stupid or ugly. I think I was guilty of that When my hair was falling out. I think it's so ugly, i don't like myself, you know that kind of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, negative self-thought, that's terrible for you. Yeah, because your brain starts believing it Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And then again it just yeah, adds to all that anxiety and everything.
Speaker 2:Not a good path to go down.
Speaker 1:Right for sure. Alright, well, let's talk about how do we start feeling better about ourselves when we do have low self-esteem. How do we improve that?
Speaker 2:Quick comparing yourself to others.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Because, i mean, there's so many different people out there and you don't have to act like someone else. Be yourself.
Speaker 1:Be yourself.
Speaker 2:It's kind of weird to act like someone else, because you're your own self, you're your own best friend too, and you know yourself the best. So be yourself and just be happy.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think sometimes, like picking someone like I think you would be a good person to sort of try to model after, like, if you see someone that you feel is really healthy with their self-esteem, look at them and see what they're doing, that maybe you're doing the opposite of. That might be a really good way to help build who you are and improve Yeah.
Speaker 2:I think with me. I don't let small things bother me, but I also I don't let things bother me that I can't control, like things that are out of my power. I just I don't care because it's out of my control. What am I going to do about?
Speaker 1:it right.
Speaker 2:So, and that takes away a lot of worrying stuff too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because.
Speaker 2:I'm not worrying about, you know, simple, small things that are, you know, stupid and don't matter. In a week or something like that, right Worrying about lot less about stuff that doesn't matter. It's great, that's good, that's good It takes a lot of like weight off your shoulders, i think, because you have, you know, so much other stuff going on in your life. Why worry about something you know that won't matter tomorrow?
Speaker 1:Right, that's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay. So, and I think we've talked a lot about the negative thinking, so let's just stop that. Yeah, catch yourself. Oh my gosh, i'm negative thinking. Let me. let me turn that over to a positive. you know saying you know my day is going to be great at work today. I might make a mistake, but you know what, so what? Yeah, stuff happens, we're just going to move on, yeah, and you know that kind of thing. So be thinking positive And don't be so hard on yourself.
Speaker 2:Just everybody makes mistakes, little or big.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:I've seen, you know, tiny mistakes from you know papers getting printed wrong, to boats crashing into a marina, because I used to work at a marina And when a captain would crash a 50 ton barge into the dock, that was a big no. No, so that'd be a bigger issue, but, like you, i can't control that, so I don't care.
Speaker 1:Well, you don't have to pay for it Yeah. Okay. So let's see, i think, what else, oh, being assertive, learning to say no. Yeah, like, don't be so people pleasing, just just say no, just do it, just to feel what it feels like Right, just gonna say no. Anyway, I'm hoping maybe next week we can do a podcast on assertion, being assertive, saying no you know, doing all that better in our lives.
Speaker 1:Let's see. So how do you improve? Oh then other thing just name at least one thing that you're good at, or more than one thing. Give me some examples of you talking, yes, getting to know people.
Speaker 2:I'm not being outside. Being what being outside, doing stuff outside.
Speaker 1:Yeah, active, like fishing and all that is socialization Or getting to know people. Yeah, you're really good, good a communicator with people you get to know. You know you could walk up to a stranger and What's up, have a little conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, much Yeah mm-hmm. You have to do that in life sometimes. Yeah you get to learn to get going at it.
Speaker 1:So You know, and just be patient with yourself, because this takes time. This is gonna be something to work on. Oh, you know.
Speaker 2:Everyday, 21 days, to break a habit. Well, there's that too, yes, exactly. Thank you, that's a good one, i love it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, i, for me, going to church was was very you know, and starting a relationship with Christ was a huge life-changing event for me. I, in many ways you know, 20 years ago. So that's another possibility Because you're, you're around people that are uplifting, they're supportive, they're they're not gonna be putting you down, it's just a really good, healthy environment.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm, such a good community, yeah, every person there is so nice so.
Speaker 1:All right, anything else you want to add before I don't close for today?
Speaker 2:Y'all need to stop being so hard on yourselves. Everyone makes mistakes.
Speaker 1:So that's right. Okay, so I guess that's our show for today, then. And What's your call? What's the action we want people to Take away and start working on? I think you know. Go ahead and naming some things that you're good at will be a really good place to start and then talking look at you know some ways that you can Start changing. Like is that I have to say no or I have to Stop being Thinking about myself negatively.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm And over thinking or overthinking. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, setting boundaries. Don't think you have to please people.
Speaker 2:Just different things like that.
Speaker 1:But I think I think it most importantly is just be patient with yourself. I know that it's gonna take some time and just stay focused on it, mm-hmm, and over time you're gonna see some big changes in yourself and you're gonna be pretty happy about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it'll make your life a lot better.
Speaker 1:So Okay, so let's see, i guess. Thanks for listening today. We do appreciate y'all and If you like what we had to say, hit the subscribe button. Tell your friends about us, share this with people that you feel could benefit from some of the conversations that we're having here, and We will see you back here next week and remember you're not bye-bye.